A Welcoming Heart is a Caregiver’s Best Asset

I know through experience that some people open their hearts to strangers and friends alike while others have difficulties with letting people into their world. Sometimes a person’s reticence occurs because of being hurt by others; other times it may be that the person's personality is more introverted or she/he was raised in a family that upheld strict social barriers. I’m sure there are many reasons why people have difficulty welcoming others, especially those who are different than themselves. However, as caregivers we will better serve our care receivers if we learn how to help them feel welcome to our care (no matter how different we are) instead of making them feel as if they are a burden.

This is not to say we can’t have certain lines drawn as to how much of our personal lives care receivers are allowed to see or experience. If you care for many people at once it is usually not advisable to bring them all home or spend all of your free hours with them. Of course, if your home is your care facility, the situation changes, but you should always have at least a bedroom that is your own private spot unless it is completely impossible . . .and if that is the case (as in some work where assets are limited), find a way to take time by yourself that is refreshing (such as in nature or wherever you feel relaxed). I believe a welcoming heart is easier to maintain if you take time to welcome yourself—perhaps first thing in the morning, or before bed, or both.

Maintaining a welcoming attitude is often easier said than accomplished. As humans we have strong beliefs about customs and the way the world works. Usually our beliefs have been reinforced by our culture, our education, and most of all our friends and family. We have to be careful that our care receiver doesn’t feel rejected if we don’t agree with them on certain topics. There are many times when a topic of disagreement should just be avoided. I found that several of the Central Americans who stayed in my home believed that people would contract Tetanus if they stood barefoot in front of an open refrigerator. Because they were adjusting to a new culture, I learned it wasn’t a priority to argue about that topic. Instead I tried to remember to slip on a pair of shoes before opening the fridge door whenever I had Central American guests. (However, in a couple of cases I did introduce the idea of immunization.)

Another time when a controversial topic should usually be avoided is when someone has dementia and has lost their ability to reason. When I was caring for my mom, there were certain topics that sent her into a frenzy, such as the fact that she had Alzheimer’s. She had a horrible memory of Dad dying from Alzheimer’s, but no reasoning capability to understand the progression of the disease in her own life. I decided it was just best to let new doctors who were treating her know about her diagnosis of Alzheimer’s privately, usually by slipping them a note. Most doctors understood that I had a reason for not mentioning the diagnosis out loud, but one day an ER doctor read the note aloud, and it took me awhile to calm Mom down so they could X-ray her leg, which needed treatment.

I made it my goal to help Mom feel comfortable and welcome for who she was each moment. Sometimes that involved keeping silent about things she could not understand. It also involved finding activities that gave her joy at that particular time in her life, not lamenting over the capabilities she’d lost or the alterations that had occurred in her mental state. It was really hard to stay welcoming when she became violent over some perceived wrong, but it was worth the effort when she calmed down again.*

A welcoming attitude toward our care receivers comes with the knowledge that as human beings we will not agree on everything. In fact we might not like the actions or the words of a particular care receiver at all. Their attitude may be one of anger—to the world in general or to a specific group or individual . . . their actions may be violent and unacceptable. Sometimes their responses may be because of changes in the brain due to a disease such as Alzheimers; or they may be a result of upbringing or experiences of abuse. Knowing their past life might help us to be more forgiving . . . or maybe not.

What it comes down to is that caregivers need to treat those they care for as welcome-- even when we’d like to “tell them a thing or two.” We may not look alike, believe alike, or act alike, yet we acknowledge that those we are responsible for as caregivers share our humanity and need our acceptance and compassion. Many doctors, nurses, and Red Cross workers are examples of this attitude—as we have seen during this past year. There are also shining examples that stand out in history, such as Mother Teresa. Her attitude toward caregiving is revealed in this inspiring quote:

Speak tenderly to them. Let there be kindness in your face, in your eyes, in your smile, in

the warmth of your greeting. Always have a cheerful smile. Don’t only give your care, but

give your heart as well. (https://www.crossroadsinitiative.com/saints/quotes-from-blessed-mother-teresa-of-calcutta/)

*I've had many opportunities with other elderly relatives to practice this attitude of accepting a person for who they are at the moment . For me it allows a more joyful life than remaining stuck in the past--no matter how wonderful the past may have been.