Temporary Emotional Support Caregiving Requires a Willing Heart and a Workable Plan

Post #15

In my general definition of “caregiving,” I go beyond the popular custom of attaching the word to people who need full time physical care and include those that need emotional support for a short time. I have cared for several women (each of whom had a connection with someone in the family) who lived with us for short periods of time because they found themselves unable to navigate life alone. Probably all of us encounter people who need a temporary refuge at some point in their lives. If your heart is in it, then I encourage you not to be afraid of taking into your home (on a temporary basis) someone who’s having emotional difficulties.

I also encourage you to agree upon an approximate (or if necessary, very definite) time period for their stay. You may decide to change that agreed time if needed—either lengthening it because you feel they are making emotional progress, and they are a comfortable (or semi-comfortable) fit in your family, or decreasing it because an emergency arises-- or perhaps because you are just not able to keep up with the person’s needs/demands. If the latter occurs, I suggest committing to at least one more week to help them look for somewhere to live where they can get continued emotional/psychological support.

Being an emotional-support caregiver differs from allowing someone to crash at your place for awhile—In the first instance you are offering to help them as they work on their emotional issues; in the second scenario, you are just offering a place to lay their head. Whether you wish to support someone emotionally or you expect them to handle everything on their own should be decided and discussed (honestly and tactfully, I hope) before they move in. Are you willing to be a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear? If so, what are your boundaries? (time? place? frequency? subject matter?) Will you help them find professional help if needed? Will you help them find a more permanent housing solution? While they are at your place do you want them to do household chores? If so, be specific. What household rules or expectations do they need to follow?

Of course, when I first started bringing people into my home, I hadn’t thought through the above suggestions. I just saw a person with a need and offered my “hospitality.” What I didn’t know is that there can be a fine line between “hospitality” and caregiving. Let me share with you a couple examples from my own experience to demonstrate the mistakes that might result from not thinking through your own expectations and needs-- and those of the person(s) whom you are inviting in.

One thing I discovered more than 40 years ago is that you need to be in the right emotional state in your own life in order not to create further distress to the one you’re trying to support. Less than two years into my first marriage we took in a young woman (a high school classmate of my husband) and her toddler. They stayed a month . . . and then two. I had been sympathetic, but eventually I began to feel the stress from her constant presence and the extra financial burden. I also felt (whether true or not, I can’t say) that the marriage she had fled hadn’t been any worse than mine was at the moment. One day I blew up and said things that hurt her feelings. A few hours later, I was mortified and apologized. I was not capable of giving this woman the emotional support that she needed for an extended period of time because I had my own similar emotional issues to deal with.

Of course, if we wait until we are perfect then we’ll never support anyone, but we can consider our own weaknesses and whether they will hinder the support we want to give. I believe it’s also important to have people who support you in any issues that you may be dealing with—as well as enlisting those who will support you in your caregiving. If the emotional support given is attempted as part of a supportive team effort, you won’t have to carry the burden of helping this person alone.

Some of us are emotional sponges (often a problem of highly sensitive people and empaths), and this may be the main reason that it’s hard for me to endure living with someone with emotional problems for any length of time. My heart wants to help, but I feel each person’s mood as if it were my own. When I don’t plan ahead for this trait, I inevitably face the difficulty of asking them to move out. Usually they feel the idea of finding a new home is unexpected . . . even while I've been feeling stressed and it seems way past time. Yet sometimes, although we’ve had an initial agreement on moving time, it can be hard to enforce the plan. And can you blame the person you are nudging out? After all, they’ve found an emotionally safe space and don’t want to leave. Like a mother bird, we need to gently nudge them out of the nest so that they can learn to fly.

I had been working as an ESL instructor for some time when my daughter mentioned that a former student of hers, a woman in her 40s, needed a place to stay for a week. My daughter warned me that my guest’s behavior was a little strange at times, but I thought it was probably just a cultural difference. I didn’t really consider the arrangement to be more than an act of hospitality. After she’d been there a couple of days, I discovered that there would be a degree of emotional caregiving involved as well. She had planned to live with a friend but it didn’t work out, so as well as having supportive talks, I found myself helping her look for housing. Fortunately I have a supportive husband and together we encouraged her . . . eventually she found another temporary place to live.

I can’t really say that these short term caregiving situations resulted in the person being restored to emotional health. Their healing depended on whether they continued seeking a solution to their problems. Most of the time I haven't known how the future turned out for these women, but a couple of years ago I received a message through social media from a woman who had lived with me for a few weeks in the 1990s. Before moving in with us, she had been spiraling downward because of problems that were both psychological and emotional—now she seems to be living a successful, happy life. I certainly wasn’t the one who solved her problems, but I know that being supported during a difficult time helped her continue the journey onward.

So go ahead and follow your heart to give care to those who can’t quite make it by themselves temporarily. However, also use your head —analyze your own weaknesses and living situation, assess the availability of other supportive people, plan an approximate timeline, outline expectations, and especially don’t forget to discuss all these ahead of time with the person you will be caring for. After all, the needs of both of you are important and need to be weighed equally.