Self Care for Isolated Caregivers

Post #17

Many caregivers live isolated lives because they are focused on the care of someone who needs them and feel that it is necessary to be available 24/7. Whether it is because of a special connection or special training, there are times when it seems we are the only one who can really care for this person. We resist the idea of bringing in others to help because we want it done right, we’re concerned about disrupting our schedule. . .or some other excuse. And then there are times, such as now with Covid 19, that life becomes more isolated than ever. Before we could have included others more often to avoid isolation, but now the burden may be solely on our shoulders as others avoid visiting to avoid the spread of this new disease.

Of course, there are other diseases that prevent visitors and other difficult situations that may also interfere with our normal lives and cause extra isolation, so this post may be relevant in the future as well as the immediate present.

If you are in isolation today, you are probably trying to do your best to keep calm for those you care for, but perhaps you’re stressing and screaming inside in spite of your peaceful appearance. If so, it’s time to do a little soul searching to find out what gives you anxiety or irritation in this situation. Once you identify the root, you can then begin to consider changes you might make in your routine or attitude. Although each of us are different, I want to discuss a couple of the causes that create anxiety within me and perhaps you can relate to at least one of them.

The number one cause of my anxiety when being isolated with another person, especially when they need me to care for them, is a feeling of being overwhelmed. There seems to be too much to do and too little time to catch my breath. As I age, I find it more and more important to take time by myself, so I can unwind. Nowadays, I need as much time alone as I spend with people, but fortunately that wasn’t true when I was a 24/7 caregiver. Even so I tried to engage a support team (as I’ve written in former posts), so I could have time to get things done and take care of my own needs—but what if that’s not possible?

To remain sane within the busy life of an isolated caregiver, each person needs to carve a little space for themselves—even if it’s just closing your eyes occasionally and taking a few deep breaths. (Hopefully you will be able to do more than conscious breathing on most days.) When I was caring for my mom she didn’t like to be left alone, so I had to be creative to find ways to relax while I was sitting with her. I tried to incorporate music that we both enjoyed into the day. She liked to work puzzles and color and I found those activities relaxing too. As she watched TV, I would sometimes read or close my eyes. When she took a nap, I could paint just a bit (add your own favorite pastime here). I have a need to be outside some on nice days, and we spent many pleasant afternoons enjoying the breeze and birdsongs as we sat on the deck and tossed a soft frisbee.

Fortunately, mom still had the physical ability to join me in simple activities, but that is not always the case when we’re caregiving. Perhaps the person being cared for needs quiet—I probably don’t have to mention the wonderful invention of headphones and ear buds. If they are bedridden maybe you already use a monitor in their bedroom so that you can eat dinner or answer the door. Brainstorm other tools and methods in which you can care for your own needs in ways that don’t conflict with the care receiver’s.

Besides needing to feed my soul with alone time, I also need to nourish myself with human relationships. (I’m sure an extravert would have mentioned this need first.) Here contemporary caregivers have an advantage over those in the past. We can use social media and the telephone to text, speak, or video chat. If you haven’t had much experience with social media, You can find very specific instructions for just about any technological task online. (How do you think I created the Caregiversalmanac.org website?) I’ve discovered community in Facebook groups—currently I belong to several: one for grieving grandparents, others related to art, writing, and the game Design Home. Perhaps you don’t want more technology in your life. This would also be a great time to return to writing letters and sending cards. Ask people to call you and if they don’t, call them or someone else. It’s easy to think no one cares if you don’t hear from people, but they may be thinking the same thing themselves. This is no time to have a pity party or be shy. Reach out, if not for your own sake, think of others who are also isolated.

I believe it is always true that when we are giving care to someone—especially 24/7— caring for their emotional health will also boost our own. Consider the difference between how the day goes for both of you when someone is in a bad mood. It’s possible that Isolation will cause more stress for the person receiving care than it creates in you.

First, the care receiver will probably need you to explain why no one is visiting them. Choosing the correct time and deciding how much information they can handle is extremely important. Personally, I try to avoid giving or receiving anxiety producing information before bed since I tend to mull it over throughout the night. Another consideration is a person’s ability to handle the information. I doubt very seriously that I would have told my mom anything about Covid 19 if she were still living— for two reasons: 1) she wasn’t able to grasp logical relationships—so preventing a virus wouldn’t convince her that people needed to self isolate; 2) she didn’t usually remember anything new unless it was told over and over again and became a part of her routine. Obviously, explaining the situation is an individual caregiver choice based on the care receiver’s health and cognition.

Whether they know about the cause of their isolation or not, there will still be a need to help the care receiver make connections with others during this time. To help them feel less isolated, ask those who are close to them to call or communicate in other ways. Encourage them to send cards, photos, or gifts. When photos or gifts are received, make sure they are within reach or at least within sight, so that throughout the day the person can be reminded of those personal connections. Speaking of gifts, when I’m missing someone (especially my children or grandchildren), I think the very best gift is a video chat even though it doesn’t last as long as some of the other methods of communication.

Isolation is a very difficult time for most people, but I think it hits caregivers the hardest. I hope that everyone reading this will communicate with at least one caregiver on a regular basis during this crisis—even if you are a caregiver yourself!