Self Discovery: An Important Task in Self Care for Caregivers and Everyone

Post 49

I wonder how many of us really understand why we do what we do? I’m of a philosophical nature and at different times in my life I’ve had differing theories about what makes me act and react. The older I grow, the more I realize that it’s important for each of us to mature in the understanding of ourselves so that we can be authentic enough to really live our best lives—as we define "best" for ourselves.*

Since I find it fascinating to consider my own growth and transformations, I was intrigued by the title of Alice Koller’s book— An Unknown Woman: A Journey to Self-discovery (published in 1968). This book is an autobiographical account of Koller’s own inquiry into her reasons for making choices—which up to this point in her life had always seem to lead to difficulties and heartache. She makes a decision to save enough money to live for four months in a secluded area to dedicate her days to self reflection. The only solitary place she can afford is a beach house near Nantucket, Massachusetts, in the winter. After establishing a plan, she commits to renting the house, saves the money, chooses a German Shepherd puppy to be her companion, and heads to the island to discover who she is and why she does what she does.

There are three main means for Koller’s self discovery. The first is by design as she takes a close look at her past relationships and decisions related to those relationships. The second two means for self discovery occur through her relationship with her puppy, Logos, and her newly discovered love of the the ocean, which -- in spite of the cold -- draws her to take long walks along the beach.

What Koller’s search reveals to her is that she has spent her life acting and imitating rather than living for who she is and what she wants. In fact, she doesn’t even know what she wants, but during these four isolated months she begins to find out.

The beauty of Koller’s ability to tell this as a story rather than a philosophical enquiry kept me reading, as did the amazing similarities I share with her—a love for my dogs, a connectedness to the ocean, and a tremendous amount of time spent analyzing who I am and why I’ve made the choices I’ve made.

You may be thinking ‘what does self discovery have to do with being a caregiver’? Koller discovered that after she understood why her relationships were not going well she didn’t need people to help her solve her problems. There is a passage from the book that explains the connection between knowing oneself and being more in tune to the needs of others:

"Not needing people frees me to look at them. To look at them and see them; to listen to them and hear them . . . Now I’m not looking to other people as mirrors to tell me who I am: I can see my own outlines . . . that’s why I’m able to see other people, the glass that used to reflect me is now transparent. I know where I end and where other people begin.” (Page 239-40)

If we are going to be good caregivers, this is exactly what care receivers need from us. They need to be heard so that we can meet their real needs . . . not just our perception of their needs.

* Of course, there are often extenuating circumstances that may hinder us from the outward expression of our authentic selves, such as physical, environmental, or financial limitations, social prejudice, or the needs of others…